“The time I”

The Literate Humor Magazine, February 2020

It’s a rainy day in April 2010. You finished up school about an hour ago and are now curled up by the TV, watching the latest episode of Hannah Montana. Suddenly, there’s a commercial break, but instead of a commercial, Disney’s airing a fun little clip of a boy talking about the time he cartwheeled across the country. Ahh yes, person reading this, the memories are flooding back, aren’t they? Basically this kid was doing a road trip cross-country and did a few cartwheels wherever they got out to take a look. So, he didn’t technically cartwheel across the entire country, but like, his thing’s cool too I guess. Don’t you miss it though, those cute little one-minute TTIs aka “The Time I” stories from real kids that Disney would air? Lucky for you, a recent uncovering of the early 2000s archives has led to the discovery of a few “The Time I” segments that never actually saw their way to broadcast. Below we have transcribed a segment from a sweet girl named Natalia. Enjoy!

“Hi, my name is Natalia, I’m thirteen years old, and this is the time I lost track of my family. It was four years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday: my family was on vacation in Brazil. It was so much fun! We went to the beach and the Jesus statue in Rio and eventually on a fun hike– or so I thought. One minute, I was with my mommy trekking through a narrow path, the next I was falling down a steep hill! Once the dizziness went away and I was able to get my bearings, I had no recognition of where I was and my family was nowhere to be found. I walked and walked and as it grew darker, I felt I was only going deeper into the woods. Eventually, little old me fell asleep, and when I woke up, someone’s bristly fur was brushing my cheek. Wouldn’t you know it– I had been discovered by a family of capybaras! They took me in like I was one of their own and taught me to live their ways, which mainly just entails bathing and sleeping.

The capybaras were a loving group, and soon I was bonded to them, but life wasn’t perfect. I missed my family. I couldn’t remember my mother’s face. My clothes had been reduced to rags. And then there was the hunger. You see, bonds aside, capybaras and humans are still different species. For a growing girl, a diet of grass and aquatic plants simply was not enough. Capybaras also eat their own droppings, but I tried that once and was sick for days. I’ll tell you, there’s nothing that teaches you more about who you really are than the moment you’ve decided you’d kill for something to eat. And once you know, you can never look back.

We had been fighting that day, me and my brother, Squeak. He was being especially annoying, nipping at my ears and releasing especially stinky gas… and I was so hungry. HE SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN PLAYING AROUND! At some point he ran over and playfully kicked me and something… snapped. I strangled Squeak. I did it. And then I ate him. And I enjoyed it. I will never forgive myself. I see his separated limbs every single time I close my eyes.

I was found by a group of hikers eight hours after initially getting lost. I was hostile towards the hikers– I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen a member of my own species. They looked like aliens to me. When I was reunited with my family, I didn’t recognize them. All I could do was scream and cry for my true family, the capybaras. For the rest of my life I’ll have to live with the burden of never truly fitting in with my peers. They’ll never be enough. At any given moment, I’m not really living. I’m just wishing I was back with them, my capybaras, bathing in a small pond in Brazil.

THIS HAS BEEN A TTI, BROUGHT TO YOU BY DISNEY CHANNEL