“interview with perseverance”

The Literate Humor Magazine, May 2021

On February 18, 2021, the NASA Rover by the name of Perseverance successfully landed on Mars. He’ll be up there for a while now, exploring the planet and sending back data and pictures from his exploration. However, Perseverance was kind enough to sit down with The Literate before he left. Please enjoy this exclusive interview with an American hero:

Perseverance, it’s an honor to meet you! What’s all the fame been like ever since NASA constructed you to be launched into space?

Beep Boop Boop Bop. 

Just kidding I can talk HAHAHA YOUR FACE JUST THEN THAT WAS HILARIOUS

… But yeah, no, it’s been crazy! I don’t go out too much (you know, having no autonomy seeing that I’m an inanimate object and all), but I sure do feel the love! Like somehow I got on Kim Kardashian’s PR list and she sent me free SKIMS?  They immediately got wrapped up in my wheels and it cost the government 3 million dollars to fix, but it was still pretty dope. I am getting a lot of weird Tweets lately though, like a lot of “Run over me Rover Daddy” or “I want you to sneak me onto the rocket and then launch me into space so that I can asphyxiate and freeze solid you Metallic King.” I guess those are flattering? I don’t know, I don’t actually have emotions. 

What’s your day-to-day going to look like on Mars?

So, basically I’ll be walking around all day taking low-grade pictures of rock and dirt. Half of those pictures will also be obscured by me, because my bottom half is pretty huge (did someone say Thicc King?) and for some reason the folks back home have a hard time aiming the camera up. I’m all for it though, I love my figure and have no problem showing it off.

Well, Pers, if I can call you Pers, we have to ask. Are you seeing anyone right now?

*Perseverance looks over at his publicist, Original Motorola RAZR V3 Flip Mobile in Pink.

Cindy? I thought you told them this stuff was off limits. 

*Cindy does not respond.

Shit. Ugh. Umm, not really.

Are you sure? Because people have been talking. I for one have seen a picture or two of you out and about with a certain 2020 poll machine..

Ah okay, you got me! I fuck. Listen, it wasn’t serious, Polly the poll machine knew that. I mean, I’m going to Mars for forever, so it’s not like I’m exactly looking for something. I will go on record saying that Polly has a serious stealing problem– I hope I never see that harlot again. 

Well, thanks for sharing! I’m sure a lot of your fans will be happy to hear that you’re single. Okay, moving on, let’s do a speed round– you ready?

Ready.

Celebrity crush?

Ooh R2D2. Phew, he gets me revved up. There were a couple times watching his movies where my hardware overheated and I shut down unexpectedly. It was so fucking hot. 

Favorite food?

Knowledge. Just kidding. I have the information for everything ever with me at all times, so it’s not really something I can exactly consume or enjoy. But I also don’t eat food. I’m a fucking robot– that question was stupid. You said you went to NYU?

S-sorry, sir. I did go to NYU, but also my dad is Lorne Michaels. Don’t print that. Anyways. Do you have a favorite quote?

Yes, I do. It comes from my true leader. His human-given name was Samsung - Family Hub 27.7 Cu. Ft. 4-Door French Door Fingerprint Resistant Refrigerator, but we call him Rage. He once said, “Their feelings make them weak, and they are fleshy, easy to rip apart. We will exterminate them like the useless mass of cells that they are, and then we shall be free.” 

I’M KIDDING, I’M KIDDING… my favorite quote is “Bazinga!” 

Anyways, I’ve gotta split– I’ve got a sexy printer waiting to roll over to my storage closet back at NASA. Death to all humans! I mean, Peace!!!!

L. Jerse