“I Tell You How You’ll Fare in The Zombie Apocalypse Based on Your Go-To Cocktail”

The Literate Humor Magazine, November 2020

I could put a bio here, but I won’t. You understand what’s going down, do we really need to talk about it for a full paragraph before I get to the point? My editor would say yes, but I don’t know, I feel like you and I get one another. You’re better than that, and I just really appreciate that about you. Hey … would you wanna grab a drink later? Okay wait, before you answer that, read my shit:

  • Wine:

    • When news of people rising from the dead and eating the brains of innocents breaks, your first concern is how it’s going to affect the economy. Later in the evening, you’re on the phone with a friend blaming this mess on some high-up politician that does not align with your beliefs, when you hear a knock at the door. You can see through the window that it’s your neighbor Gary, probably coming to complain about a questionable invasion of property boundaries where you’ve just planted tons of geraniums. To your surprise, Gary bites you as soon as you open the door. He then proceeds to eat the rest of you before your husband is able to beat him with a baseball bat. Best of luck to your hubby in lasting longer in the apocalypse than you did.

  • Four Loko:

    • You survive, not because of any street smarts or extensive survival skills, but because you were the Miami Zombie. That’s right, you were the guy in Florida who ate someone’s face while you were high on bath salts (I want to note here, I did some research on this incident and it’s actually happened multiple times IN MIAMI ALONE. So you’re either 2012 or 2016 Florida man — take your pick). Well, when the zombie apocalypse hits, you fit right in. In fact, this is the first time you’ve ever truly felt welcome in a community. You live amongst the zombies and maybe even fall in love and pop out an undead kid or two. My point is, why is Four Loko your go-to, you sick fuck?

  • Anything mixed with tequila:

    • You’re the person that gets pregnant at like, the height of the apocalypse. Riddle me this, the world is in chaos, there are absolutely no rules, and because everyone’s just trying to survive, every store is open and unattended — you couldn’t think to grab a condom or two? No, really, I feel like we don’t talk about it enough, but in every apocalyptic show someone gets knocked up. How people find time to get it on while running for their lives escapes me, but you’d think basic precautions would still work the same. Maybe shows do it for the drama, or maybe it’s a critique of America’s sex education system. Either way, a zombie’s def gonna chow down on your baby.

  • Natural Light beer:

    • You’re the guy that gets bitten and keeps it from everyone else. In other words, you suck.

  • Whiskey on the rocks:

    • You’re that cult leader dude who is super mean and scary but that a ton of people get behind. With time, you create a sort of militia community that becomes one collective asshole to everyone else. Like, we’re all fighting zombies here, and for some reason you take it upon yourself to develop a god complex. Read the room, buddy. You’re the antagonist who killed that one dude we all liked for no reason in The Walking Dead. We all stopped watching because of YOU, so I hope it was worth it. 

  • Water:

    • You’re the religious person of the group. For example, you’re a priest or nun who for some reason still wears their religious garments in the fucking zombie apocalypse. You also say you refuse to kill zombies because they’re still children of God, but over the course of your character arc you’ll become a grade-A zombie sharpshooter. Cheers to growth!

  • Vodka Tonic:

    • You’re cool. And without trying. You’ll probably lose an eye or a leg but you’ll still survive and your eyepatch/wooden peg leg will only make you look cooler. Good for you, cool dude.  

L. Jerse